It took me about 15 years to catch a breath, take a long pause, and look back. I became aware that I had lost 98% of my friends, and chat mates, for reasons like; we don’t understand you anymore! You have changed! Lots and lots of words said about me.
Sometimes I found myself halfway to explaining…. But, then, for some reason I would catch a breath, and the question was, before I explain myself, how did I get here? My life had surely changed from loud to quite, social to reserved, outspoken to careful, I couldn’t help it not to be so observant, not to enjoy my personal dinners, and not to switch – friend searching to extended meditation, I just couldn’t help not being the current me! And truthfully I didn’t know how I had got here! how I had changed so much! how I was being formed. Then, I remembered my child hood prayers, prayers prayed in innocence.
I longed to be a girl that loved God, a girl that would make right choices, right relationship choices, right career choices, right behavior choices! right speech choices! right (…) choices. Right choices to me, that made my soul comfortable and my spirit peaceful. I longed to be a girl that was different, but didn’t know how to get there! And before I knew – I was there!
Have you ever found yourself at a time in your life, and you wonder how did I get here? And you are so sure you couldn’t have got there with/in your own ability, when you look at all you’re; your weaknesses, character, and everything surrounding you – you are convinced that only, and only God can form you into a better person. The grace of God is so amazing that if, if we are willing, we don’t have to get the whole picture, we don’t have to understand it all. If God had told me then, that 15 years later I would have lost interest in what I held dearly at the time, I would surely have gone like (…..) but how! Me!? All it takes, all it took was just a drop. A drop of willingness, just as little, and God starts his work in us. His gentle and silent work, the work of transforming us, the work of forming us, until we get to a time and we see ourselves the way God sees us! Deserving!
I believe Jesus – the grace of God finds us and positions us, perhaps not in the highest of place as the world view it, not in a place we have to fight to reach! but, in the path where he passes – not that our God can’t find us anywhere, but we just have to put in an effort to want him to, even if those efforts mean innocent prayers to God; Prayers like God change me- I might not be sure in what ways I want you to change me but I know that you know best, you know what I need to change.
To take a step and get in with communities of fellow believers, people that are seeking to find God – even if you don’t understand why you have to go there, to be kind and loving in your way – even if you don’t understand why you have to, to yearn to be a better person-even if you think you’re selfishly doing it ‘for the good of others’, When God forms you he will align all your intentions to his will. Psalm 143:10, 10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. Speak those scriptures over your life, even if it means that you can only recall 2-3 words! Psalms 125, was always my word –I never understood it all, but I knew that Psalm would take me places, I said it when I was an afraid little girl, I said it all the time! I said it when I had no one to speak to! I said it when my hopes were being broken, when my heart was broken, when I couldn’t see the future!
God loves us so much that he uses what we have given him to turn us into his most precious being, and sometimes even if we think we have nothing to give him, nothing to surrender to him, just us having the will to offer something – He combines his will to make it all possible, to work for our good. His grace is enough that our not knowing can’t limit his work in us! Ezekiel 36:26
26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Have you found yourself curled up, and thinking of how much, how much you have changed-unaware, and you are like, all this is thanks to you God. I would love to hear your experiences!