I wrote this out with uncountable pieces of my heart that have somehow found their way back to one another (thankful to the grace of God that can never let me go). I really hope it can bless you.
Looking back, a year ago and all the years before, my world was always an inch away from falling apart coz of self-hate and poisonous feelings of inadequacy. Me randomly dancing as I admire myself in the mirror now or the thought that I don’t subscribe to the version of myself that blocked my own piece of mind and made me hate my face, my body, my laugh, the things I thought about, the way I talked, my name, my birthday, my toes and generally the whole idea of my existence anymore is a clear manifestation that God’s promises through His word are and will always be yes and amen. (2Chorinthians 1:20)
I yearned to feel enough but I looked for validation from all the wrong places. I looked for it from family, from different friend circles and relationships, all in vain. I only found true acceptance of who I was from the cross and once I started to feel enough, you could think I’ve felt enough all my life! You see, self-hate is serious, it is not just about hating yourself from the inside. There’s a way it numbs your entire life and you find that you are unable to love, to give, to pray, to make rational decisions at times in short you are not even living. You’ve ever eaten unsalted food? Yes, that’s what life feels like. It was so bad that one of the reasons I held on to life was that it was short. I always thought to myself that there must have been a mistake in my creation.
Last month, my cousin Belinda passed on (RIP)I lost both a sister and a friend. Belinda was the light of the house, she cracked billions of jokes (jokes that were actually funny). I recall so many occasions where she made me laugh till my tummy hurt so much I couldn’t support my body anymore so I just fell on the ground. She always had a story to tell and she knew which one suited who. I was so down the weeks after her death, both because of the pain of having to wait for the next life to be able to see her again and because she went without knowing that I cherished her so much. This opened my eyes to the fact that I was so busy hating myself and not loving enough like I am called to.
Why are we so scared to give part of ourselves? Because we do not feel enough. But who said we have to wait to feel enough in order to give? What if it is from giving that we feel enough? Why are we so selfish to give away the love that God so freely gives us? The Bible teaches us that it is in giving that we receive and that God loves a cheerful giver. It is a sign of a healthy humble spirit. But no the flesh reverses it and makes us believe that it is by receiving that we begin to give so we only love when we are shown love. That’s the devil’s trap. This and many other troubles I had been going through made me surrender to God. I didn’t surrender in peace or out of love, but rather out of defeat and my new found knowledge that I could not control anything in this world. I didn’t even pray the days after, each morning I got up and told God to do as He pleases! I had no words for Him. Little did I know that this submission was leading me to life, leading me to finally live life to the full, something I thought I would never achieve.
A few weeks down the submission lane, I experienced the Holy spirit. It was a unique and beautiful encounter. After a phone call with a classmate where we talked about life’s troubles, I got into my room and locked the door to pray for her like she had asked me to. I fell on my knees and I started with small whimpers that gradually grew into uncontrollable tears. I was crying because God had saved me, deep down I knew that I was crying because He had saved me from the guilt of sin, from fear (oh snap), from anxiety, from hatred and self-hate, from jealousy, from insecurities, from depression, from self-pity and all the like but my lips kept thanking Him for saving me from death. I guess because living with these amounts to death anyway. It’s like Jesus was dying for my sins right there. For three straight days I was crying because I couldn’t believe I was alive, I was crying because I heard God’s voice, I was breaking for Christ. Each sob felt like a break away from something. I was crying because life is beautiful and I now know why new born babies cry. God has saved me and for this, He is my CONFIDENCE! I was crying because I was set free. And coz I’m free, I can give henceforth live. I’m alive and I can’t believe it.